exhaustion or delirium
the post below, pineneedles, was something that i wrote last fall, when i was in one of my ‘thinking’ moods, as i am now. i love this blog, not many people check it, so i feel as if it is a real journal…and if someone does stumble across it, then it is like we are at a coffee shop just having a real conversation about what it means to be alive, and i hope that if there are any thoughts or similar feelings that arise whenever you may read these words, that you leave a comment…then it is a conversation between friends…
what am i thinking about today as i sit on my bed with the front door wide open as the slightly salty and humid ocean air creeps into my bedroom? if you ever REALLY want to get to know yourself, your limits, your humilities, your faults, your deep inner core….go to medical school. i am not one nor will i ever be the ‘medical school type’ i guess that i try to fake like i fit in in some way…i am not brilliant, i am not a ‘type A-everything has to be perfect or else’ person, i do not want to win any awards or work at a prestigious hospital, i don’t want to be top of my class or strut around in a white coat….i just want to take care of others. this is my drive, my reason for trudging through all the barriers…
in medicine, it is not so easy…when i first started i felt as though everyone was here for the exact same reason…to help others, and yes, some of them are…but i see through a lot. i have been through so much in my years on this planet and i am starving for someone who is genuine, who is not afraid to be themselves. it is these types of people that i am drawn to…like patricia at uncles billy’s resto-bar in portland. she stands behind the bar with silver hair flowing down her back…her weathered face shows what she has been through, but it’s hard to see these trials behind the brightness of her smile. although there are 5-6 older men, who have obviously been drinking quite a bit, standing like tall, thick trees at the bar she stands on her tippy-toes as i walk in the bar to make eye contact with me…and there it is, THERE IT IS!!! that genuine….bright, beautiful smile that you don’t see anymore. i don’t remember the last time someone smiled at me that way….NOT out of nervousness, or politeness, or even out of spite….but a genuine smile. we walked in…a tuesday night about 1030pm just looking for something made of chocolate…and i found this real person…this strong older woman who could handle her own with the drunken men at the bar…who could make a stranger have faith in the world again.
medical school has been an eyeopening experience. at the beginning of my first year…i came in with a sense of humility, an honest sense of just wanting to help…i didn’t realize the depth of craziness that came along with it. i got caught up in it too…the drive, the relentless chaos of being the best, doing the most…when i started doing really well in classes, i felt as though maybe i had become something else…but time and time again, i’m reminded that i’m still just human. all around me i became aware of the game of saving face in front of all the other medical students…i see people ashamed of how they scored on a test, or ashamed because they didn’t get a ‘high pass’ (an A) and i watch them beat themselves up over and over again. things that when i started this whole crazy trip, didn’t matter to me, and never have in my entire life….i am open, honest and KNOW that grades do NOT make a person, that being the top of my class doesn’t mean as much as taking the hand of an elderly woman who is sick in the hospital and looking into her eyes…
hmmm…the life of a doctor. it is a strange dichotomy…it is extraordinary, but at the same time, extraordinarily ordinary. i don’t know how i feel about these big things called boards…and i won’t know for about 3 weeks…i want to learn the most i can to help others to take care of their mothers, brothers, fathers…but how can i help others if i can’t live my life outside of medicine…dennis reminded me of a very important thing last night…that there has to be separation between self and school. i am not what i do. i knew this about 2 years ago, and told this advice to many, many people before med school. but in this exhaustion, there is delirium, and a questioning of how?
and where ARE all the genuine people? are you one of them? will you have a genuine smile next time i see you? will you not beat yourself up if you are not the best? will you not beat others up if they are not the best? don’t put up with me, enjoy my company, see the best…let go of yourself, of your insecurities and live. your goal should be greatness and not by the standards of any society, but by that feeling…that feeling of inspiration, of hope…be genuine…and accept. accept.
Karen said,
July 17, 2007 at 4:07 pm
You are a unique breed. I hope that your passion and your visions never change or that you get caught up in what is superficial in this world. There are many physicians in this world that lose sight of what it means to be a doctor because of ‘bigger and better things’. When I first met you in the ECU (way back when) I was drawn to you as a friend because you are a genuine caring person. Always with a smile on your face and a friendly gesture for even the strangest of beings that you might run across in the unit. Moreso because I had found someone who I felt like I could sit with in a coffee shop (even though I don’t drink coffee…but have come to enjoy Chai Tea because of you!) for hours and talk about everything and never run out of anything to say. Those were the days. I love to live vicariously through what you are doing, even though you’re half way across the country. I miss you
Love ya!